Real Stories from Men and Women
Over the next several days, we will be posting "REAL STORIES from both men and women who have been victims of domestic violence. Unless we look at BOTH sides of this issue, we will only make the problem worse.
Mike's Story
I am an abused husband and I can't take much more. All Hell is breaking lose and when I tell my pastor about it he just tells me to love my wife more and suffer well. My home andmarriage of 19yrs is falling apart.
When I tell my pastor of the abuse, he just tells me that he does not think things are the way I say they are. He has even put my wife in charge of teaching other Christian women how to be GodlyWives. My wife has been diagnosed with Multiple PersonalityDisorder. My pastor does not believe it exist!
On one Sunday morning, when I had been severely beaten by my wife. I was bleeding from scratches and punches to my face, chest and back, my shirt was ripped off and I had swelling to my face and a black eye) he walked in and saw my wife with not a mark on her--I don't hit back because I was taught a real man NEVER hits a woman--he saw me all beat up and he turned to me and said, "What did you do to make your wife do this to you?" That seems to be the general consensus, the husband must be an SOB if his wife hits him and he must deserve what he got. Oh my wife is also a victim of Sexual Assault from her childhood. If anyone has Christian Answers please respond to (deleted) I need help.P.S. I am also a 23 yr veteran Police Officer. Go figure.
I fight guys three times my size and win but my wife beats me like a dead dog and I don't hit back. Talk about humiliation!! Her favorite insult is that I am a "(deleted) WIMP" I think it takes more courage to not hit back or defend myself but now I realize that I have become a victim and now think like a victim-not clearly. 19 yrs of abuse have taken their toll. Somebody out there, please Help.
Ron's Story
The story below is very common in our society today. Not only are we getting many more inquires in Shattered Men for this, I have noticed many other sites for men have been getting them too...and they are not the same people. The name was changed to protect those being abused from their abusers finding out that help is being sought. The bold is my emphasizes in some of this story. My reply to this mother is below also.
ken
My son (middle 20's) been married 6 years. My husband and I havealways suspected that she was verbally and physically abusing him.It was confirmed one night while caring for my 6 yr oldgranddaughter. She told me this: I don't like it when my mommy hitsmy daddy. I asked her if mommy does it in front of her and heranswer is: Yes I have seen it and asked her to stop, daddy will askher so nicely to please stop but she punches him over and overagain. I don't know why mommy keeps doing it cause daddy isn't doinganything at all and she just starts doing it. Daddy tells me to goup stairs as soon as mommy starts hitting him.
I cannot sit back anymore knowing that my son is being abused. Idon't understand why he puts up with it. My husband and I think it isbecause their neighbor called the police one night when they werearguing a few years ago. When we asked the police what happened hesaid it is routine that the man is taken away.
Now we feel he thinks he will be taken away again if he calls thepolice on her. He also was ordered by the judge to go to angermanagement class. Why doesn't judges make both partners go? If thereis yelling going on by both husband/wife then both should be orderedto go. So now she has the upper hand and we think she is tellinghim she will say she is just defending herself from him if he callsthe police about her abuse..She is beginning to be mouthy to him around us "his parents". Shehas complete control when we are allowed to see him or ourgranddaughters.
How can I bring up the subject with our son about this abuse? Wehave seen numerous bruises on his body and once he needed medicalattention but refused to go. He comes up with the same excusesmy sister came up with when she was being physically abused yearsago by her husband, I also have had a friend in the past that made up the same excuses when she was in an abusive relationship.
What options can we give our son to stop this abuse? We also knowhis wife is having an affair as my granddaughter told us while daddywas at work she has a man friend over but that mommy says he is justa friend even though they are hugging each other (the man friend anddaughter in law) She goes out every weekend and our son says hedoesn't know where. She doesn't come home till the next day.Sometimes she shows up with wads of money.
Can someone give me some advice how to help my son?Thank You
Mike's Story
I am an abused husband and I can't take much more. All Hell is breaking lose and when I tell my pastor about it he just tells me to love my wife more and suffer well. My home andmarriage of 19yrs is falling apart.
When I tell my pastor of the abuse, he just tells me that he does not think things are the way I say they are. He has even put my wife in charge of teaching other Christian women how to be GodlyWives. My wife has been diagnosed with Multiple PersonalityDisorder. My pastor does not believe it exist!
On one Sunday morning, when I had been severely beaten by my wife. I was bleeding from scratches and punches to my face, chest and back, my shirt was ripped off and I had swelling to my face and a black eye) he walked in and saw my wife with not a mark on her--I don't hit back because I was taught a real man NEVER hits a woman--he saw me all beat up and he turned to me and said, "What did you do to make your wife do this to you?" That seems to be the general consensus, the husband must be an SOB if his wife hits him and he must deserve what he got. Oh my wife is also a victim of Sexual Assault from her childhood. If anyone has Christian Answers please respond to (deleted) I need help.P.S. I am also a 23 yr veteran Police Officer. Go figure.
I fight guys three times my size and win but my wife beats me like a dead dog and I don't hit back. Talk about humiliation!! Her favorite insult is that I am a "(deleted) WIMP" I think it takes more courage to not hit back or defend myself but now I realize that I have become a victim and now think like a victim-not clearly. 19 yrs of abuse have taken their toll. Somebody out there, please Help.
Ron's Story
The story below is very common in our society today. Not only are we getting many more inquires in Shattered Men for this, I have noticed many other sites for men have been getting them too...and they are not the same people. The name was changed to protect those being abused from their abusers finding out that help is being sought. The bold is my emphasizes in some of this story. My reply to this mother is below also.
ken
My son (middle 20's) been married 6 years. My husband and I havealways suspected that she was verbally and physically abusing him.It was confirmed one night while caring for my 6 yr oldgranddaughter. She told me this: I don't like it when my mommy hitsmy daddy. I asked her if mommy does it in front of her and heranswer is: Yes I have seen it and asked her to stop, daddy will askher so nicely to please stop but she punches him over and overagain. I don't know why mommy keeps doing it cause daddy isn't doinganything at all and she just starts doing it. Daddy tells me to goup stairs as soon as mommy starts hitting him.
I cannot sit back anymore knowing that my son is being abused. Idon't understand why he puts up with it. My husband and I think it isbecause their neighbor called the police one night when they werearguing a few years ago. When we asked the police what happened hesaid it is routine that the man is taken away.
Now we feel he thinks he will be taken away again if he calls thepolice on her. He also was ordered by the judge to go to angermanagement class. Why doesn't judges make both partners go? If thereis yelling going on by both husband/wife then both should be orderedto go. So now she has the upper hand and we think she is tellinghim she will say she is just defending herself from him if he callsthe police about her abuse..She is beginning to be mouthy to him around us "his parents". Shehas complete control when we are allowed to see him or ourgranddaughters.
How can I bring up the subject with our son about this abuse? Wehave seen numerous bruises on his body and once he needed medicalattention but refused to go. He comes up with the same excusesmy sister came up with when she was being physically abused yearsago by her husband, I also have had a friend in the past that made up the same excuses when she was in an abusive relationship.
What options can we give our son to stop this abuse? We also knowhis wife is having an affair as my granddaughter told us while daddywas at work she has a man friend over but that mommy says he is justa friend even though they are hugging each other (the man friend anddaughter in law) She goes out every weekend and our son says hedoesn't know where. She doesn't come home till the next day.Sometimes she shows up with wads of money.
Can someone give me some advice how to help my son?Thank You
posted by Shattered Men | 11:42 PM
4 Comments:
Greg's Story
This topic is very relevant to me, as I had to take out a protective
order against my bipolar wife when she turned violent towards the
children and me. The result was that she was provided with a pro bono
attorney who aided her in snatching the children, relocating them to
a battered women's shelter, obtaining subsidized housing, furnishing
her new dwelling, and mobilizing as many forces as possible against
me. The location is Montgomery County, Maryland, a.k.a. the People's
Republic of Montgomery County, where the infamous Katzelenbogen vs.
Katzelenbogen case took place in which a husband, calling to the
police for assistance against a violent wife, was later fined $2000
for doing so. I can easily believe it happened, because when I called
the police once to assist me in taking out my belongings so that I
could sleep in a safe place, the police bellowed at me, telling me
that I had no right to leave my wife, no matter what she did.
It's not as if we would be out of line for demanding equal treatment.
That should start with shelters for battered men, pro bono attorneys
for men facing violence, and all the rest. My question is: when will
it start?
From Melanie
hope its ok but I seriously need to get some things out and Mike wont let me talk about them with him so I get frustrated and we start yelling and he tells me to shut up.
I am tired of shutting up, I am tired of having him yell at me for not doing my job but he hasn't worked in 2 1/2 months
I am tired of being expected to just forget all the things he did and said that cut me to the bone while he was drinking.
Now here we sit, no money, no job, he worked for his Mom a few days and now instead of drinking the money away he gambles it away out of desperation (or so he says) then he has the nerve to say he is mad at God for the situation!!!!
What is that???
That would be like our 7 yr old son smashing a window after being told not to play ball in the house, ok so what would a good Dad's reaction be? Give the boy a blessing because he didn't listen or would a good Dad allow his child to feel the consequences of his actions in order to make him a better person? Mike doesn't give our kids any slack why does he then expect God to fall all over Himself to right Mike's wrongs so there are no bad fruits reaped from a rebellious disobedient tree??
He just jumped all over me when I asked him a question so of course it turned into an argument and now he left to go to the store, now if he comes home with a bottle of booze guess who's fault it is? Of course AA and Al-Anon tell me that I shouldn't make him feel bad if he drinks, I should be supportive.......you know what? I am sick and tired of having to be the one who eats the pain and has to smile or be the bad guy. I am sick of Mike saying it isn't my fault he drinks but then uses me as an excuse when he does. Its all just garbage and I am tired.
I have become someone else. I have become bitter, angry and hateful towards the man I am supposed to love. How can I be anything else when its a fight to get toilet paper in the house because he is irresponsible? How can I not be angry and bitter after all the evil things he has said and done while drinking and now that he quit doesn't feel the need to apologize for?
Someone please tell me HOW to not be hurt or angry when it just keeps happening over and over. I am so sorry for even saying this but I have to say it to someone but I really hate my husband at this moment I would be relieved if he would get in an accident and just end all the agony. I know I am not perfect but at least I try to change and it doesn't matter. No matter how much I try he keeps finding things that push my buttons and I go right back to the way I was. What is wrong with me? Why cant I stop the insanity? Why wont he? I fear we are hopeless without God but Mike wont let Him in so what is there to do? Pray....yea I have been doing that and nothing, things actually get worse the more I pray. I cant say these things to my family and I have no friends, I feel bad for dumping on you all I just needed to get it out. I know there are no answers for us, this is our destiny, to be miserable just like our parents were and just like our children will carry on after us.
Thanks for listening
Melanie
Thank you to everyone that replied with support, prayers and concern. I had a revelation after posting, talking to Mike and praying. BTW he didn't drink yesterday (day 10) Praise the LORD!
But I do have to face some things about myself I don't want to. I have to admit, as painful as it is to do so, that I used his drinking as an excuse to yell at him. I kept telling myself I wouldn't be like that if he didn't drink but you know what? I am. Yesterday I pushed and pushed and pushed him verbally. I don't even realize I am doing it, its like I feel the anger coming and I try to stop it by praying but it starts anyway and once it starts I cant stop it.
We had a honest talk last night and he finally told me how he feels (again praise God he is sober or that wouldn't have happened)
He told me he is afraid when I do that to him and he warned me its dangerous for me to do it. He said if he didn't have as much self control as he does I would have been in the hospital and he would have been in jail last night. He told me I have to stop "stalking him" and let him walk away from the situation. Boy this hurt because I had to admit he was right and that I am the very kind of woman I despise. But no more beating up on myself now I have to figure out how to stop this. I understand it happens now because I CANT be vulnerable so I take any hurt feelings I may have and turn them in to wrath to put the other person in the defensive position. I also hold in all my negative feelings around everyone else out of fear then dump them all on Mike, so not right I know. I also see now that this all comes from being abandoned over and over as a child by my Dad and all the mind games and emotional manipulation and abuse done by both parents, and still being done. I have no boundaries with my parents and that makes me angry. I kept telling myself that Mike drinking caused my anger, and my family kept telling me I was right...well I am not and I know it now but how do I GET right? How do I be the kind of wife and mother God wants me to be? I was doing well for a while but now it seems its getting worse than ever.
One good thing though, Mike told me he sees that the reason I am like this with him and no one else is because I feel comfortable and trust him enough to show this side of myself to him. That was even hard to hear because deep inside there is part of me that is desperately fearful of trusting anyone. I feel horrible and great at the same time today. I am so sorry for not being totally honest with you all about the situation but really I wasn't being honest with myself yet either. I apologize here in public to the group and to Mike for not being fair in my previous posts.
Thank you all for being here, even though I don't post often it really means a lot to have a place I can be honest when I see the truth.
God bless you all and hugs all around
Melanie
Jay’s Story
Jay was born in April of 1955, on a Friday the 13th from what I have been told. I was born almost a year later. My story will come in a later posting. As his sibling I saw the hate that he suffered. Why? Simply because he was not born a girl. My dad had a perversion, an addiction for the perverted things of life. He always said he only wanted girls... and that is where I fit in. I was "his little girl" , his "princess", until sisters were born. In the meantime, Jay and I lived in hell on earth. We were forced to participate in pornography, sadistic incestuous activities, and ritual abuse. His only crime was not being born a female.. and as a punishment he was often viciously abused physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually, as well as neglected of true love. He and I were too often pitted against one another. We have never had a true brother/sister relationship. Because whenever those bonds were trying to form, we would be forced to perform with each other or others while others observed. As my brother got older... he never had the love he needed. He was unable to give that love to others.. Never able to trust. Never able to enjoy life. I have found that true Love.. It is in Jesus Christ. I, too, like Jay followed the path of drugs, alcohol, etc to try to drown out the torments of the past and the pain of living in the present, and fear of the future. But only Christ could heal my wounds.. Only Christ could deliver me from the sins of the past. Jay continues even this day on the destructive path...lost, miserable, hopeless. But my God is able to set him free as He has set me free. I give this story not to shame him, but in hopes prayers will be made, intercession on his behalf that he might know God’s love in this life, before it is too late.
Thank you. Terri (this is not my birth name).
Leigh's Husband
(note this name was changed to protect her husband's privacy)
You know I was talking to my husband about this list and what I have learned and he told me something I didn't know and his Mom and best friend backed up the incident.
My husband, yes suffers from alcoholism, yet he has not been violent in fact when he drinks he becomes more compliant and meek. Well his first wife had decided to "get him back for drinking" so one morning he was awakened by the police standing at his bed to arrest him for domestic violence. The kicker is that his wife was in the kitchen baking muffins (nice manipulation) and had not one single sign of abuse nor was there any sign of a fight or struggle in their home, everything was in its place. She claimed it happened the night before, she was never questioned as to why she waited until the following morning when he was sleeping and obviously no danger to her nor was she asked why if she was so afraid and hurt was she dressed and baking before calling the police??? He was taken from the home still half asleep and totally lost as to why he was being arrested, they wouldn't answer any of his questions. He was charged with disorderly conduct (probably because they couldn't prove any domestic...because there wasn't any) and forced to take domestic abuse classes and pay a fine and not return home. She was allowed to give him what she thought he should have which amounted to one fork, one knife, one spoon, one plate, one glass and his radio and cd's and 2 changes of clothes. The courts of course never said a word about this and to this day she is listing him as the responsible party when she goes for medical care but will the courts help?? Nope of course not because he is now labeled "an abuser" and in the eyes of the courts that makes him so evil he should have no rights ever again. So thanks to her we now are unable to buy a home, the banks don't care about our story they just see the unpaid bills and that's that. So not only are the men affected but also me being the second wife and our children are as well. All I can say is thank the good Lord they didn't have children or our nightmare would be even worse.
Leigh
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